![]() The combination of the two naturally attracts guys. You are also likely reasonably attractive. You were able to build an otherwise reasonably social and confident persona, and so you come across as social fluid. ![]() So you stand off, holding guys at arm's length and worse. You've built into yours the rock certain expectation that love involves vulnerability, opening yourself to hurt. We lay down all the fine little threads in our big internal romantic attraction neural networks, like a big fibre optics cable, when we are young, parts of it when we are very, very young. The lesson you were "taught" isn't a conscious one, but it is a very deep, very strong one. It could be a range of things, but the usual ones are parents who dominate and control you, or a parent who dominates or controls another parent, usually with some hurt or pain involved, including seeing a marriage fall apart. Something in your family life growing up taught you that emotional connection directly results in pain. You are going to have to respond to me to narrow it down, but I know what this is. I'm pretty sure I know what this is, and hell, I couldn't have written this any more perfectly. You've done a perfect job portraying what's going on. I'm trying my best to respond to each and every one of you.Ī beautiful, beautiful post OP. Honestly can't thank you all enough for taking the time to discuss this with me. I've learned a lot about myself from all of you. UPDATE: You've all been so helpful with cracking me out of this mind-frame and bringing these emotions into light with me. In advance, I thank everyone for the response. So.in the nicest form of advice without trolling, can anyone help me or at least relate? I'd hate to end anymore friendships. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I change being so angry the moment I see commitment attempting to develop? And to think, just last night, I was content and very satisfied with running away. I feel alone, being a girl, and acting this way. The whole thing seems entirely pointless. The talks, the explanations I don't have, the feelings. How can I express this in a better way? Without saying "You're creeping me the fuck out." I'm not good with this crap. When a friend even shows a tiny bit of interest, even if it's a text saying 'Thinking about how awesome ya are!' the whole friendship in my eyes has died, and I continue on without speaking to them thinking 'Well that's the end of that one.' I'm either getting fucked over by people, or attempted to be fucked in a literal sense. I have to pretend I know exactly how they feel. Thinking 'Great! If I do this, I'll have to change my number again. When someone asks for my number, the dreaded feeling as if my family will be executed later that night takes over. Which I'm know has been complained of often on here.īut I just can't go that extra mile without wanting to vomit. Always there, no questions asked, listening to hour long rants, I'm everyone else's emotional and financial stilt. When I'm friends with someone, I'm the best fucking friend they've ever had, and my love and dedication is handed to them. What the fuck do I do? Overall, I'm extremely happy and content with my life. The only fucking thing I want to cuddle with is a bottle of Whiskey. I'm emotionally and physically unavailable. Within years of knowing a man, they 'care' about me, but there's always an underlying reason that makes me skeptical the entire friendship. When I get close to any man, within hours they 'like' me, want to 'date' me, then become so distraught with my reaction they cut off communication the same night. I get messages and comments, emails, and voice mails of "I'm worried, where are you? What are you doing? Hello? Are you mad at me?" Which then becomes "What the fuck are you doing? Why are you ignoring me? You're a bitch." I'm single, and tired of the invisible chains. If I take a moment out for myself, my cellphone blows up. People become so impatient and angry with me. If I get close to anyone, I run as fast as I can ignoring the individual, doesn't help to be socially awkward on top of that. I've been living in a clouded judgement, unaware of my surroundings. Now I'm stuck destroying another friendship of mine. He soon went into how he 'likes me' and I had no idea. I got so frustrated I literally developed a fever. I was late by an hour cleaning up my own vomit off the bathroom floor, sent a text the second I was done. He contacted my brother(a guy he doesn't even know), wrote a status via Facebook, writing on my wall. Last night: A great friend of mine of 7 years got 'worried' because I didn't answer the phone around our normal talk time. Most of my life I've been hurt, and empty but after last night I had no idea it was to this extreme I'd even think of posting some stupid 'wah' post on here.
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